4 Toxic Communication Patterns That Can Torpedo a Relationship
On one level, couples want to be heard and understood by one another when they communicate. But on a more basic level, they only want one thing … to not feel alone at the end of the process.
It is heartbreaking that we spend so much of our lives searching for someone to be with (and feel like our lives are made when we have the good fortune to find a wonderful partner) only to suffer the anguish of feeling alone in the world once again because our patterns of communication create that very outcome.
I’m Dr. Brent Mruz. As a Clinical Psychologist specializing in helping relationships for the past 26 years, I have learned that the heart of most communication breakdowns between couples is the lack of awareness that our communication style itself is often responsible for fostering disconnection.
In this video, I’m going to share with you the 4 toxic communication patterns that often prevent couples from connecting, and leave partners feeling isolated and alone. They were first identified by Clinical Psychologists, Dr.s John & Julie Gottman, world-renowned developers of the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy. Their research determined these four were SO predictive of relationship breakdown that they called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!
I have learned that the heart of most communication breakdowns between couples is the lack of awareness that our communication style itself is often responsible for fostering disconnection.
Okay, the first toxic communication pattern is contempt
Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen as it is #1 predictor of divorce. It is an expression of arrogance and superiority that conveys the other is worthless & beneath consideration.
Contempt often looks like this in a relationship: hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, eye-rolling & sneering. The effect leaves the person feeling devalued or hated.
The second toxic communication pattern is criticism
Criticism is an expression of blame that attacks a person’s character rather than a complaint about a specific behavior or action.
Criticism often looks like this in a relationship: When you or your partner may say, “you ALWAYS do this…”, or “you NEVER do that… & so on.” The key to recognizing criticism is that it is an attack on one’s worth.
It leaves the person on the receiving end feeling attacked, rejected & hurt.
The third toxic communication pattern is defensiveness
Defensiveness is a self-protection response in reaction to perceived unfair treatment, or a form of not taking responsibility in the face of fair complaint.
Defensiveness often looks like making excuses for bad behavior or denial of it all together. Phrases that sound like “The problem isn’t me, it’s you” are obviously defensive, but so is “If you wouldn’t have (insert blaming statement), I wouldn’t have (fill in with justification).
The effect is invalidating to the speaker and often results in escalation of the conflict.
The fourth toxic communication pattern is stonewalling
Stonewalling is a “silent relationship killer,” depicted by withdrawal, shutting down or closing oneself off from the other, usually because the person doing it is feeling flooded or overwhelmed by the conflict.
Stonewalling in a relationship looks like you or your partner giving the “silent treatment”, pretending your partner isn’t there, being “checked-out,” refusing to talk, or walking away.
The effect on the partner is often confusion, hurt & anger, as well as feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Stonewalling in a relationship looks like you or your partner giving the “silent treatment”, pretending your partner isn’t there, being “checked-out,” refusing to talk, or walking away.
So, if you’re struggling with communication experiences that leave one or both of you feeling more alone rather than on the same team and feeling connected, then schedule an appointment. Don’t let toxic communication patterns torpedo your relationship. It doesn’t have to be this way. There is hope for your relationship. Schedule an appointment today. We can help.